Parent to Parent By Jodie Lynn
Moments for Mom By Elisabeth Corcoran
Ask A Twin Mommy By Cheryl Lage
Mothering By Heart By Cheri Fuller
Jelly Mom By Lisa Barker
Family Check-up By Sheila Wray Gregoire
Simplifying Motherhood By Trish Berg
Making the Most of Marriage By Paula Friedrichsen
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1 + 2 = 3: Challenges When Adding Two Children To The Mix
QUESTION:
Cheryl,
I bought your book yesterday and have already devoured the first
half. I'm 6 months pregnant with twins (a boy and a girl!) and am
trying to learn all that I can. The hardest thing I'm dealing with
is that I have an adorable and extremely active 18-month-old son.
He tries his best to keep me from 'taking it easy'. Can you
specifically address the unique
challenges of 2 newborns and a toddler? I'm dreading the idea of
never sleeping because my son will be awake different hours than my
twins!
Any help you could offer of places with info or suggestions would be great!!
Thanks!!
Sincerely,
Jen
RESPONSE:
CONGRATULATIONS, Jen!
I am so excited for you! (Admittedly, I am a bit biased toward the
boy/girl pairings. ;) )
Thank you for your kind assessment of Twinspiration; I do truly hope you find it helpful-or at the very least, entertaining!
As you've already surmised, you will have some undeniable challenges ahead-but Sister, I think you are up for it! While I cannot speak from personal experience on how to handle coordinating the daily lives (and most importantly, family sleep patterns) when three wee ones are in house, I do know what elements were invaluable in making things work with two-which in truth, I think will help you greatly/translate well with three little sweeties – and two grown-ups! – who all need some rest.
To start thinking about now:
*Your 18 month-old son's daily schedule.
Is it "regular"? A consistent bedtime, nap time(s)/rest time(s) and awaking time? Are his meals and snacks offered on a fairly regular time table? If not, in your shoes I would use these coming weeks to really get him (and you!) used to and in the groove of a highly predictable routine. With a single baby, there is a marvelous ability/flexibility to "relax" and simply enjoy "rolling" with your Little Pumpkin's punches. Adding two more precious ones to the mix will cause tremendous "upheaval" in the accomplishment of the day-to-day basics. Getting your little boy acclimated now to what he can expect and when (e.g. food, snacks, rest, sleep, playtime-) will offer him some sense of consistency and normalcy-and give you some reassurance that you will simply be adding/meshing another schedule (the twins' synchronized timings) to First Born's. If Baby Boy is already running like clockwork, keep it up! Verbalize often that he will be setting such a good example! (Whether he understands what you are saying or not is largely irrelevant-your upbeat tone and encouraging voice will be perceived. Plus it helps you to reinforce the positive too!)
*Baby-Safe/Containment Zone(s)
With one sweetie, you can typically – and rightly -- focus all your attention on him. With two (or three), you will be amazed at the challenge of actually being able to see everything everyone is doing-even in a small room! While it will be quite some time before your twins are "moving," your Big Boy is-there will be occasions wherein you will need to suddenly "contain" your son safely while you tend to those unavoidable "emergencies" that are the stuff of which newborns' lives are comprised! Yes, you will feel guilty when you "plop" your son into a 100% baby-proofed small room or playpen/superyard. Yes, he will cry. Regretfully, there will be occasions (likely numerous ones) in which you will have no choice. It's okay! He'll be fine, and so will you.
If this is not something your son is familiar with, it might be worth creating a safe, stimuli-rich environment (perhaps with some "special" toys/board books that reside only there) that he can "get used to" and enjoy before his little brother and sister arrive. Give the space a positive spin! So much of our kids' attitudes are decided by how we present situations. If we make use of safe areas with a smile and "what fun!" the creatively and conscientiously contained are happier and safer than pulled two-way/three-way mama and daddy would ever expect.
*Plan of Plural Parenting (and preparedness!) – United Effort/Parental Front
For us (my husband and me), we knew that if we were "relaxed" and "followed our babies' leads" (which with a single baby certainly makes sense) we would likely never sleep, we'd be easily confused (and short with one another, and possibly worse, the babies) about what had happened for who and when (feedings, naps, medicines dispensed, etc.) with the sleep deprivation, and that ultimately, we'd always feel "out of control"-a feeling that for me (Type-A, all the way) is always very disconcerting! Now obviously I was fully aware that we'd have minimal "control" with multiple newborns in house, but enacting a routine we felt (and still do) would provide some regularity, reassurance, consistency, and at least in those anticipated, sleep-deprived weeks, we'd "know" when our possible opportunities for rest (if not sleep! ;) ), a snack, etc., would fall within our schedule. With hindsight 20/20, I am eternally grateful that in those bleary moments when the "unexpected" (a profound diaper explosion, excessive spit up, no nap, etc.) occurred, "knowing" that in 3 hours we'd have another (or were making every feasible effort toward a) possible rest window was very, very bolstering. Talk through your goals, hopes, desires with your partner-and get on the same page. Hugely, hugely helpful!
*Help at the Ready
Family. Friends. Neighbors. When people ask what they can do to help you (and those who truly love you will!), tell them you will absolutely take them up on it. And do! (But only REAL help-like caring for your son for an hour, or watching the babies while you do-or watching all three while you if not sleep, at least lay down for 20-30 minutes!)
*Acquire (or Solidify) a Relationship with a Pediatrician Advocate
Our pediatrician is a fellow mom of twins. She was supportive and empathetic without ever trying to "persuade" us to her methods. (Which as we've learned with time, we coincide amazingly in perspective!) If you have a good relationship with your son's pediatrician, go ahead and ask him/her for some pre-twins tips re: recommended routines, suggested lactation consultants (if you are wanting to breastfeed, which it sounds like you do-you CAN do it!), ways to navigate daily life with twin newborns and a toddler, etc. Friends and online support are marvelous, but there is something irreplaceable about a medically sound perspective. Reassurance galore!
*Find/Visit a local moms of multiples group, and if you like their vibe, join!
Without a doubt, there are other moms in your area that are – or have been – in your "have a young toddler and expecting twins" shoes! They will have some knowledge about local resources and offer support and encouragement galore. If you haven't already, you can find the closest group to you by visiting www.NOMOTC.org.
*Keep my email address!
If you ever need an e-voice of "you can do this" or "you are going to make it" from someone who truly believes you will, I'd be happy to fill that role!
Wishing you all the very, very best- you have such abundant blessings ahead- Yes, there will be times that you'll be looking for them through sleep deprived eyes, but you will make it- you will thrive- you will have stories to tell!
Find the laughter and keep your humor, and
Please keep in touch!
Cheryl
www.Twinsights.com
Ask A Twin Mommy Archives >>
Feel free to contact me with your experiences in twin potty-training, or with any twin parenting dilemnas you may have at http://www.twinsights.com. I hope to hear from you!
© Cheryl Lage, 2004-
Author of "Twinspiration: Real-Life Advice From Pregnancy Through the First Year" from Taylor Trade Publishing (2006), Cheryl is a fully-mobile, full-time mom to four-year-old fraternal twins, Darren and Sarah. Cheryl's unabashed honesty, vigilantly supportive style, and willingness to share "what works" have made her a requested speaker on a broad range of topics, twin-related, and otherwise. Check out her website @ twinsights.com.
Read Cheryl's Ask A Twin Mommy column at C'Moms